I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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