So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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