Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
