R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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