More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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