Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
