apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
