the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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