4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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