hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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