im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you will always have a special place in my vag
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
