Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
