It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
