Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
