she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
