they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
