never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
