Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
