I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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