I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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