I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
