My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
