he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
