Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
