my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
