how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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