Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
