i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
