I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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