so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
