I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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