My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
