if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
