I can text with my tongue
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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