I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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