I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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