I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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