I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
