Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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