woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
