it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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