he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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