that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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