I seem to have left my pride at pride
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
