Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
