went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i think i have two assholes
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
