Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
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if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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