So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
