I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
