It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
