I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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