Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
