It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
