I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
