I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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