I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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