The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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