I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
